My relationship with food is starting to worry me. The last two months I have been skipping meals on and off, there have been a couple of days I didn’t eat at all and I have been unable to make myself cook when my flatmate is home. And today I caught myself thinking that there would be so much food over easter that I probably shouldn’t eat today. I realized the ridiculousness of that thought and ate anyway, but this is making me worried.
I don’t think this is body related. I am realtively satisfied with my body. Sure, there is stuff I wish I could change but we all have that and I am not generally bothered by the way my body looks.
I think it is partly self-harm related. Hunger is almost a form of pain and so going hungry has maybe become a substitute for making scratches. Partly, I think it is because of the indifference and lack of initiative that comes with a depression, cooking is just too much work and food is unappealing. And lastly I think it is partly a control issue, I feel like I am losing control over everything else.
I shouldn’t overdramatize. This isn’t a problem. I am eating enough to be healthy. But I really don’t want it to become a problem.